There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how...

So I haven't written here in such a long time and it's mainly because I haven't been able to get my thoughts in order enough to make sense to even me, so why would I wanna create a mindfuck for anyone else? Here are just some things I've been contemplating regarding certain situations and little constants in life...

What's the sense in people telling me to be myself when even then I can't breathe easy?

I've been thinking about this for a while, people tell me this all of the time and I'm starting to sense some insincerity in their words. When I am myself, it then starts to become displeasing to those exact people and more. Things I do or things I say, they don't like or are bothered by them. Hm, shouldn't you now accept it, I'm just doing what you told me to do. Things I say and things I do, are me being who I am. So what's the problem now?

Now, it isn't in my nature to hurt people and I don't intentionally do things to turn people away, insult them or make them not want to be around me. So how can I reach a medium, being myself and at the same time making sure everyone around me is content? Or should I just stick to being myself not caring what others feel or think about it? Then with that, you're alone all the time while being surrounded by a bunch of people.

They ask why I don't care, so then I care, but then I'm too caring. They ask why I'm like a robot, so I show some emotion, but then they can't deal with them. Then they ask why I'm so mean and why am I so cruel? Why? Because I'm honest? I say shit that everyone is thinking, but won't say? What exactly would you all like from me? Maybe I should get a dial surgically put into me that let's people program me to fit their liking and then everyone will be happy. Yeah? No, negative. I'm so tired of people and their demands. Honestly, it's tiring and believe it or not it cuts me down, bit by bit. Treat me like a human being, just like you have feelings, I do as well. You don't think the shit people do and say doesn't affect me?

I kinda feel like a broken record here, because I've written about this so many times or have spoken about it and people don't change, and I don't expect them to, but I'm gonna need people to not expect me to either. Why should I change and mold myself into someone who pleases you because it's convenient to you?

Sigh...it is what it is...

I'm pretty sure some of my friends have this distorted idea of what I think/feel about them, but I can almost guarantee it's much more than what they see/hear on the surface or what they think they know. My feelings run a lot deeper than most, but I'm usually too afraid to express such feelings in fear of what they'll say or think... *shrug* just being honest...

Yes, I'm complaining about the way you type...

Stop Typing Like a Douche

by Liv Brock

***This has been done time and time again, but I feel the need to rant about it. Maybe in hopes that if you hear it, read it and see it over and over again it'll seep in. I will admit that I'm somewhat harsh, but it's all very simple and hard to believe that people don't have the ability to type properly, all by stupid choice. I don't care if you agree or not but this irritates me and this is my blog, so you're going to have to deal.

Why, why oh why people of the internet? Why must you type like you have no type of formal education? I get the whole internet abbreviations and internet lingo (lol, brb, bbl, etc.) That is not what I'm referring to. I'm referring to the people who cut down words and replace letters with numbers or punctuation. I'm referring to the people who add unecessary letters in words. (I'm not talking about at the end like thissssss) I'm talking about this: ii'm so tiired) Sadly, I've seen it, and not just by the young and naive, but from people who should know better. It doesn't make you seem adorable, you just look like you're making the same stupid typo over and over. Also, leaving a letter out of a word is just lazy. That is not abbreviating and it is not cute.

There is absolutely no reason for you to leave out letters in words. Abbreviating phrases is acceptable. The word "the" is a THREE letter word. Why do people cut it down to "da" and "tha"? Try saying a sentence using "da" instead of properly pronouncing the word. You'll sound stupid. And "tha"? Really? You can type "thA" but not "thE"? What malfunction occurred? The same goes for the words: what (wut, wat) and when (wen).

Others and their retarded variations:

Girl- Grl (What is wrong with using ONE more letter?), Gurl (Really? What do you have against the letter i?), Giirl (Just one i is needed, thanks), Girlz/Grlz/Gurlz (Just no)

Boy- Boi (What's wrong with the letter y?) Boyz/Boiz (Again, just no)

Like- Lyke (Again with the i), Lyk (Need I say more?)

If you use these or omit unecessary letters, someone should hit you, hard.

How do you function is school? Do you honestly do assignments typing like that? Oh yeah, blah blah the internet isn't school. I know, but sadly it's been done where people have dumbed down their typing online that it's reflected in their actual work. In school I've done peer reviews and I've seen papers with "u" and "y" and dare I say it: "lol" REALLY? u and y are not words, nor is the acronym lol, an acceptable word.

Now, see if you can pay attention: Basic Grammar

There: Mostly used for destination. Opposite of here. ex. I'm going over there. I like that dress over there. Etcetera.

They're: Short for they are. ex. They're going to be excited. They're going to love this gift. Etcetera.

Their: A form of possession. ex. That is their dog. This is their home. Etcetera.

You're: Short for you are. ex. You're 20 minutes late. You're going to get in trouble.

Your: A possessive form of you. ex. Is that your jacket? I'm shopping for your birthday gift.

It's: Short for it is or it has. ex. It's hot in here. It's 3 in the morning. It's been 2 hours since we left. Etcetera.

Its: The possessive form of it. ex. The dog is chasing its tail. The book has lots its cover. Etcetera.

Pretty simple, right? Well apparently online, they're all the same. So many people misuse those words and it's extremely irritating to me. It's really amusing and sad at the same time when I see celebrities twittering and misusing those words. Then again, they're people too right? Sadly.

*In the english language capital letters, when used properly go within titles, at the beginning of a sentence and names and are used for acronyms.

Your Sentence Should Not Look Like This.

THIS IS KIND OF ANNOYING TOO, BECAUSE THERE'S NO NEED FOR AN ENTIRE SENTENCE OR MULTIPLE SENTENCES TO BE IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

Unless, you know, you want to showcase your extreme anger online.

An acronym, for the people who don't know, is a word formed from the initial letters of a set phrase or series of words.

Ex:

ASPCA- The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals

PETA- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals

USA- United States of America

Then there are the ones commonly used online, which are acceptable.

BRB

TTYL

LOL

BTW

Etcetera. I know I don't have to elaborate on those.

WoUlD yOu WaNt To rEAD aN eNtiRe pAsSaGe oF wRiTiNg TyPeD oUt LiKe ThIs?

Pr3Tty Pr1nCeS$

B@biI33 GuRrL

$3Xy kItTy

Oh mAi gAwd!!!1!!1!

I rest my case. That hurt my fingers just typing the above examples. It's also sort of a mind fuck for my eyes. My point is, it isn't hard to type like you're not stupid. One extra key to hit to complete a short word won't kill you. A lot more people will respect you if you type properly. Who enjoys looking like a jackass? Save yourself the trouble and headaches. =]

Nineteen Minutes

Before I get started, I already know people will disagree with some things I say and I fully accept that, this is just what's on my mind.

I read a book titled Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult. I'm not going to give the story away for anyone who may want to check it out nor will I give away the name of the shooter, but the main thing is, it's a fictional story about a high school shooting in New Hampshire, pretty much instigated by years of bullying and teasing. I will give away that the shooter doesn't get to kill himself in the process as we've known many real life school shooters to do, but instead is taken into custody by the local detective. The book is pretty much what led to the shooting and the trial thereafter.

Whilst reading, I found myself sympathizing more with the shooter than with the shooting victims. Mostly because the shooter is a victim himself. Sure, people get bullied and teased, unfortunately it's a part of society and I guess a part of human nature. However, the people doing the teasing and bullying don't see the real long-term damage they're doing to people. I've been teased mostly in elementary and middle school and it hurt, but I'm grateful that it wasn't a constant bother or to the extent of pushing me over the edge as it often does to others.

Some people don't realize that just because a person doesn't physically show that they're being hurt by what negative things people say or do to them, that it actually does hurt and affect them inside. Of course most people choose to hide their feelings in fear that showing any signs of vulnerability will further brand them as a target, and sadly they're right. I know that going into a school or any place opening fire and aiming to injure and kill is wrong, and people may think I'm wrong for saying this, but throughout the book I found myself wanting the jury to find the shooter not guilty. I wanted them to set him free, because I saw him as already being a prisoner. He was locked up in his own personal hell. Not being able to go to school which is supposed to be a safe haven, without being pushed around, humiliated and belittled, having his personal feelings exploited to embarrass him for the enjoyment of others. Having no one at all to turn to, because the people whom he should be able to ask for help, don't.

What happens when you're not strong enough to count on yourself anymore? What happens when other people have the ability to completely destroy you inside after years of constantly striking your core, causing slow, painful and permanent damage? What is left to do when all your resources have run dry? They say be mindful of the way you live your life because of karma. What goes around comes around. But what happens when what comes back around is worse than what went around in the first place? Obviously it isn't in your best interest to purposely harm others and yourself, but is revenge acceptable as a last resort?

In this book and in some actual cases of school shootings, people tend to feel bad and take the sides of the people who were harmed during these rampages, but they don't stop to think about the fact that their "victims" are too the criminals. Sometimes innocent people who are irrelevant in the premeditated plan are caught in the middle and that is unfortunate. However, shouldn't the blame be first put onto the initial aggressors? For what reasons do these people deem it necessary to make someone else's life a living hell? Insecurities? Their own problems that they can't seem to find answers for, so while they're miserable, the only sensible thing to do is make themselves feel better by making someone else feel worse? They're completely forgetting the fact that no matter how much you torture another person, your problems don't disappear. They just don't seem as bad. Also, they fail to see that they're causing havoc on someone else who is fully capable of causing the same amount of trouble, or worse. So while you're grieving and sympathizing with physical victims, asking yourself why? Look to your precious victims for some insight. Newton's third law of motion, "to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." When the aggressor's plan is set into motion, that triggers that of their victim, which can and should make others think twice about the way they treat others.

It's just sad that something tragic has to happen before people develop common sense. I don't know if this all makes 100% sense, and I definitely didn't get all of what I wanted to say into this entry, but basically this is it. I was going to get into how it's ridiculous when people start to blame music for such disasters but I could go on and on, because music is that important to me, so we'll save that for another entry, another time. Bottom line, watch the things you do and say to people, no matter how little they may seem to you. It could turn into the biggest regret you never thought you'd have. Maybe Confucius had it right, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

Brief update...

It's been a while since I've posted anything and frankly, it's just because I don't really have much to say. Well, I actually have a lot to say, but mostly it stays in my head and passes too quickly to actually write down. This entry and the next had to physically be written out in a notebook before it was on here, just because I'd get distracted if I were to type it out first. I have to do the same thing with my school papers or they'd take longer than they already do to get done.

Speaking of school, I'm so ready for this semester to start, not because I enjoy doing classwork, homework and papers, because I don't at all, but because it gives me something to do and somewhere to go so I don't have to stay in my house all day since there is nothing else to do.This semester I'll be there five days a week and while I'm sure it'll be tiring and annoying after a while, I'll probably start to appreciate the time I get to be home. I actually like being on my campus though.

Anyway, enough about school, if anything is worth writing about when I get there I'll be sure to post it. Although I'm sure no one even reads this. I should just keep a private journal, but I tend to stop writing in those as well. Oh yeah, P.S. on the school thing, books this semester are ridiculous. There's just no reason 5 books right now should come up to about $350. Not to mention, there's probably another book I have to buy which I'm waiting for the professors to post, if they decide to. I'll be extremely grateful if they don't require one for this semester, but I highly doubt it.

Darlene will be here for a week from August 18th to the 25th, which should be awesome. She's been in Maine for like two years or something and last time I saw her was a few months ago in Boston. Which was pretty cool, despite some issues caused by an outside party. However, I'm looking forward to her visit. I know she'll have me running all around this city, but it'll be something to do for the week before classes start.

Hmm, I think I have enough school supplies (i.e notebooks, pens, paper) that's pretty much all you need for college, besides the required shit your professors want you to get. I definitely need to go shopping for clothes. I'm gonna need them since I'll be on campus more instead of the three days a week I was able to pull off for the passed two semesters.

Okay, so the real reason I wanted to write today was because I read this book that I really enjoyed and felt obliged to respond to, so that'll be in the post above this one, ciao.

Oh blog, I send my apologies.

I haven't written in a long time and I don't have much to write now, but I will say that people, especially people of the female persuasion, irritate my life.

My birthday is in 12 days, I'll be 20...I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

Hm for whatever reason I went to check my grades for the passed semester and I noticed that my psych of child development grade was changed, and now it's higher. It's now a B+ as opposed to that C+ that used to be there. Bringing my GPA for the spring 09 semester up from a 3.4## to a 3.676. My GPA for the fall 09 was 3.675 and my cumulative GPA is 3.676. Good stuff =)

I'm out, ciao.

P.S. I think I need to compile a list of "Things you have to know about Liv" should people want to keep our acquaintance functioning properly. People do and say a lot of irritating things. That will be in the works soon.

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My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize...

Updating from my blackberry even though my laptop is right over my head. I'm much more comfortable where I am.

I am currently re-reading New Moon for the third time because I clearly have no life. I just saw the New Moon trailer last night and I must say that Taylor Lautner looks quite banging. I just wish he were older so I didn't feel like a perv. It's like a bunch of girls saying Nick Jonas is sexy, that is weird. Although the kid is pretty good looking...alright I'm done with the children.

Let's see, school is officially dunzo for this semester. I've gotten 3/4 of my final grades and so far I'm content. I got an A in speech, B+ in intro to theatre arts which surprised me, because I barely paid any attention at all in that class. The biggest shocker was a C+ in infancy and childhood. I'm not proud of the C+, but I am at the same time because I definitely thought I'd get lower than that. It was ridiculous trying to learn anything in that class when all the professor did was read information off power point slides too fast for us to copy down any notes. It irritated me and I ended up giving up on trying to listen to her. But I take my C+ and I'll wear it proudly on my transcript lol. Right now I'm just waiting for spanish which I'm not worried about, it should be a good grade. =) Possibly and hopefully in the A-B range.

iiiiiiiiiiiii want a Mac book =) I don't know why I chose to make that sing songy but I did. And I still want a mac book. I like my dell for the most part but it has its issues that I could do without and my point is that I want a mac book. The end.

Hmm, as for the title of the blog, I've been dealing with some internal clashes. I'm experiencing something I never though would ever happen and it's got me a little thrown off. I'm slowly but surely dealing with it, but still trying to figure it out. I'm at a standstill right now. And speaking of which I wrote a little something, very little. I haven't written any poetry in a long time so this was my attempt at it. I tried to rhyme some stuff, but it's kind of prose-ish. I wrote it late last night, or really early this morning?

Stranger

The roaring buzz of my unspoken thoughts
Has become the background music in my head
A single thought craving for attention
But my conscience leaves it unfed
A feeling bangs on the doors of my mind
But I fear the stranger on the other side
I cower, hoping to leave this force behind
The energy leaves me breathless
Like I'm running away from one thing,
But towards another too
I run until I get to the cross road,
What should I do?
Do I choose the person I've always been,
Or transform into the person I think I've become?
My thoughts are rambling against my will
The fork in the road is waiting,
But for now I am at a standstill...
-Liv Brock
June 1, 2009

Okay, enjoy. My thumbs hurt now. Ciao darlings. xoxo

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