There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how...

So I haven't written here in such a long time and it's mainly because I haven't been able to get my thoughts in order enough to make sense to even me, so why would I wanna create a mindfuck for anyone else? Here are just some things I've been contemplating regarding certain situations and little constants in life...

What's the sense in people telling me to be myself when even then I can't breathe easy?

I've been thinking about this for a while, people tell me this all of the time and I'm starting to sense some insincerity in their words. When I am myself, it then starts to become displeasing to those exact people and more. Things I do or things I say, they don't like or are bothered by them. Hm, shouldn't you now accept it, I'm just doing what you told me to do. Things I say and things I do, are me being who I am. So what's the problem now?

Now, it isn't in my nature to hurt people and I don't intentionally do things to turn people away, insult them or make them not want to be around me. So how can I reach a medium, being myself and at the same time making sure everyone around me is content? Or should I just stick to being myself not caring what others feel or think about it? Then with that, you're alone all the time while being surrounded by a bunch of people.

They ask why I don't care, so then I care, but then I'm too caring. They ask why I'm like a robot, so I show some emotion, but then they can't deal with them. Then they ask why I'm so mean and why am I so cruel? Why? Because I'm honest? I say shit that everyone is thinking, but won't say? What exactly would you all like from me? Maybe I should get a dial surgically put into me that let's people program me to fit their liking and then everyone will be happy. Yeah? No, negative. I'm so tired of people and their demands. Honestly, it's tiring and believe it or not it cuts me down, bit by bit. Treat me like a human being, just like you have feelings, I do as well. You don't think the shit people do and say doesn't affect me?

I kinda feel like a broken record here, because I've written about this so many times or have spoken about it and people don't change, and I don't expect them to, but I'm gonna need people to not expect me to either. Why should I change and mold myself into someone who pleases you because it's convenient to you?

Sigh...it is what it is...

I'm pretty sure some of my friends have this distorted idea of what I think/feel about them, but I can almost guarantee it's much more than what they see/hear on the surface or what they think they know. My feelings run a lot deeper than most, but I'm usually too afraid to express such feelings in fear of what they'll say or think... *shrug* just being honest...